It's been a few years

I am back. My life has been a whirlwind of busy the last 4+ years. Last week I had a bit of a shock that has brought me back to this page. 

I came home from work to find a FedEx envelope. Inside was a letter from a production company who want to interview me about Ron. I was home alone and immediately hit with shock, horror and a deep unsettled feeling. Again and again this case comes back and the past I try to forget, even hide is back. 

I decided to contact someone from a podcast I listen to and ask their advice on this person. Part of me thinks it is time to be more public and let my story out. My story.... not the DA version, the media version, but mine. I have had a couple of conversations with them and am deciding if I go more public or not. The talks also made me remember that I wanted to keep going and help others. I still do.

Stay tuned...

And the phone rings...

Saturday January 25, 2014, 6:38 PM: My phone rings. On the other end is my mother. 
   "They just showed Ramon on TV. His lawyer is doing something with that triple murder case. They showed his picture."
   I have been blessed with a mom who has no filter. She has absolutely no clue that calling to fill me in on  Ramon's picture on the TV is not appropriate. Why does she want to tell me something I did not need to know?
  Dutifully I went to the CBS8 website. I watched the video. There I saw former Detective Rick Carlson, retired SDPD, in a photo. As they run his phone interview they DO show Ramon. She had the facts incorrect. This had nothing to do with his attorney. Rick Carlson was the detective who went to the apartment when Beatrice was missing and ended up breaking into the under apartment storage and finding her remains. He is the officer who arrested Ramon. I am not sure why he was interviewed for the murders that occured here in San Diego Christmas Eve. The last body was found last week in a trunk of his own car in another county. Somehow Rick was interviewed for his insights into investigating these types of crimes. The interview honestly made no sense to me. He said he thinks of the case (Ramon's) daily. Who of us who was involved in any way doesn't? Does that mean that a 18 year old case needs to be brought up now? Of course the family suffers. Continuing to show these poor murdered people on the news day in and day out only serves to cause the family more pain. Of course the police want to solve this case. Of course it takes hard work, good detective work, and hopefully not causing even more pain to the family along the way. 
  Hopefully I will not have to see this case, Ramon's face, on the news again for a very long time. Hopefully they are able to solve this recent case quickly without old so called experts chiming in on how it feels to work a case. Come on Channel 8.... isn't it all common sense? 

The Road Not Taken.... step out of that comfort zone!

      I wanted to share something with you... I think it was last week I found the book Creativity Rules that I have had for more than a few years now. I was going to use it every day to write the exercises out. It meant not worrying about that "other" writing I am going to do "someday".
My mind put up roadblocks after the first day, a few more after the second and then I "forgot" to do the exercises for a couple of days. I went back and then again, "forgot" for a couple of days. During my "forgetting" I would actually SEE the book. I left it out for easy access. I went back into the file I created today and started working on the exercises again. I am telling you this because:

- the process goes against my "gotta get it done" mind, which I am feeling, yes physically feeling, is GOOD for me.
- I am having fun with the exercises! I was uncomfortable with one since it was to write an angry response to a neighbor and yikes!, but I did it.

     I want to challenge us all to step outside of our comfort zone. Look at the Road Not Taken and see what we can do to go back to that fork in the road and decide to move THAT direction instead.
Just something to think about.

The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear,
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I marked the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference. 

Robert Frost

Do I accept myself and KNOW I am good enough?

For those of us who were verbally abused, we have a long struggle to get past the negative voices that became almost a second skin to us. I have been YEARS and YEARS past someone telling me I am stupid but I have to turn off the negative voice at times. I have found as I have entered my 50s that I am less likely to listen to that voice, but I would be lying if I said that I never have the voice. 

My turn off the negative voices tips:
1- Take a bath and read a book,
2- Read positive affirmations out loud,
3- Cook something yummy and healthy,
4- Listen to music that I love,
5- Dance and sing to said music,
6- Take a hike in nature,
7- Go to the zoo,
8- Go to the beach,
9- Talk to a positive friend,
10- Read my Bible
11- Look in the mirror and say I Love You! 

We can get past this! Is it easy? Nope! Is it worth it? Does it show that abuser that Nothing is Going to Get Us Down? You Betcha!

New Year

I am shocked that it has been since March that I last posted.... I guess that means that emotionally I am doing well. I am not too tuned in to the negative in the world, which tends to reactivate my PTSD.

I DID have an surprising episode on Christmas.... My mom got me a Siamese cat ring holder. I wanted it up with my other Siamese cats in the window. In order to keep symmetry that would mean moving my angel out of the window. I have angels in two windows downstairs. I placed them there during the murder trial years ago when someone told me it would add a protection to the home... at least a metaphorical one. As soon as Dale moved the angel I had a horrible feeling that I was unsafe. I had to tell him to STOP and put it back. The kitty got another home. And now I feel safe again.

Another book that mirrors my life...

I just finished Night Road by Kristin Hannah. Once again I have mananged to find a book written in a way that I can find parts of my life. Sibling death and the difficulty of the ensuing years are all present in this book. I cried so much the words blurred. I was stuck with how real my deep need to write is both buried and alive.
So what stops me? Fear. Pure and simple. That learned response that says that I cannot do it. The learned response that says that I cannot possibly be good enough. The learned response that says it is no use.
I am emotionally spent from reading this book. If that touches a need in you then by all means read NIGHT ROAD. I highly recommend it!

It is a better week...

Not long after I wrote my last post, my younger daughter wrote me a wonderful letter from college. She does not follow my blog and had no idea that I had been upset. She wrote to thank me for all of the life lessons I had taught her and to share how she was using them! One of the "lessons" is the be a bigger person. I say this to my children often. Be the bigger person. Does it matter? If it really does not matter, let it go.

For battered women this is a tough scenario. Being battered we constantly "let it go" and once out of the relationship we must re-learn about what is the truth about us, what matters when standing up for ourselves and our children and how to make the right choice. Guess what? There is no right choice? When you were battered you did the best you could with what you knew. If you have gotten out you have the chance to learn how to erase the tapes your batterer played for you minute by minute. You have the chance to teach your children how to get along with others without violence. You have a chance to live.